Nothing could have prepared me for how I felt after I gave birth to my first child; I never thought it could be the best experience of my life, or something I would gladly do again.
A few days after I gave birth, people started asking me how it went and how I felt about it, and I kept telling them I could have scaled Mount Everest in a raincoat and it wouldn’t have come close to how incredible I felt. I still think about that, because of where I started.
My dream of motherhood was overshadowed by fear of birth
From a very early age, I knew I wanted to become a mother. My favourite present to receive for my birthday or for Christmas was a baby doll. I think I ended up with about eight! All of them had a name and their own personality, and I would dream about this huge family for when I “grew up”.
But life happened. If you’ve heard me speak about my upbringing or my journey to motherhood, you’ll know trauma and self-doubt are recurring themes. I know what it’s like to navigate the healthcare system as a woman with gynaecological conditions and a history of trauma that began in childhood. That trauma made being examined, touched and exposed in front of others feel terrifying. Because of my conditions, I was told repeatedly, by people in and out of the healthcare system, that I’d struggle to conceive. So I was left with little faith in my body and an immense fear of a vaginal birth.
My first thought was ‘how am I going to get this baby out?
And then, one day, I found myself pregnant with my first child, and I couldn’t believe it. I had hoped I’d have that moment you see on social media or in films, where a woman looks at the pregnancy test and cries happy tears. But for me, given what I had lived through, an intense fear emerged instead, and my first thought was “how am I going to get this baby out?”.
Being listened to helped me find my own empowerment
I was assigned a specialist midwife who would see me throughout my pregnancy, which felt like a relief as I didn’t have to explain my history to a new person at every visit. I don’t remember much of my first appointment with her. I just remember asking her, in a kind of joking-but-not-joking way, if I could have a caesarean under general anaesthetic, as I was so afraid of being re-traumatised during a vaginal birth. Looking back at it now, it’s wild that, at that time, my idea of a positive birth was one where I was unconscious for most of it.
But, to my surprise, she was really understanding. She simply explained why that isn’t common practice, without judgement. Then she suggested other things we could explore to address how I felt about vaginal birth, including HypnoBirthing.
Just being listened to, and speaking to someone who took my fears seriously, made me feel like I could tap into my own empowerment.
Just being listened to, and speaking to someone who took my fears seriously, made me feel like I could tap into my own empowerment rather than seek approval from others. So I left that appointment feeling more open to considering other options and doing the work to figure out what, for me, would be a positive birth.
I worked through my fear and had the most beautiful birth experience
Through the rest of my pregnancy, with therapy, antenatal education, my own research, and individualised support from my midwife, I began to unpick what my exact fears were around birth, explore different ways of coping with labour, and understand in my mind the kind of birth I wanted. From that vision, I was able to work backwards and put the practice in place and gain the knowledge I needed to make it a reality.
And I did it! The night came, just as I wanted it, when my waters released, and instead of panic I felt pure joy. I breathed as I had practised and calmly processed what was about to happen. I held and embraced every contraction on the drive to the birth centre. I went on to have the most beautiful birth experience. I remember looking down at my beautiful baby and feeling immense pride in myself and my body for the first time in my life. I knew after that experience that no one could make me feel negatively about what my body can do ever again.
I knew after that experience that no one could make me feel negatively about what my body can do ever again.
My birth transformed my relationship with my body and my identity. I couldn’t believe more people weren’t shouting about it from the rooftops. Knowing how beautiful and healing birth can be, with the right support, education and taking radical responsibility for your choices, is what led me to become a birth doula.
If you’re carrying fear about birth, or about what your body can do, you’re not alone. Mine didn’t have the last word, and I hope yours won’t either.
If you’d like to talk about what support could look like for you, you can book a free connection call.